Starving is more than physical..

I've never shared this. Ever. To anyone. In both pictures, I was absolutely starving.... 

These are 2 extremes of what I've walked through: both left me empty, depleted, depressed and anxious almost every single day. 

Maybe you look at the first picture and think "You looked amazing!"

I was 97lbs, wearing a girl's size 14 jeans and I was eating just enough to push through 3 workouts a day and "saving my calories" for my weekend escape of partying. 1 calorie over my self-imposed, EXTREME minimum and I was in a downward spiral: self-hate on high. 

"You're beautiful!"

"You're so lucky to be able to wear all the cute clothes!"

"I'd kill for your body."

My mind told me this was proof I was accepted, I fit in, I was worthy, I was valued: all things I desperately sought. 

The second picture was the result of the abuse I put my body through + some of the hardest years our family has ever faced. I was 65lbs overweight when I stopped keeping track. I had hit a point where I was literally starving myself and my mind and body would no longer, COULD no longer, handle it. So I let go... and I gave up the "perfect facade" only to replace it with more self abusive behaviors. I covered my insecurities with more layers of me....

I was emotionally starving once again. 

I hid.

I retreated. 

People left me alone. 

"You'll never be good enough" my inner tapes told me again and again...

It wasn't until 4 years ago I actually met myself. I had to fix my mind before I fixed my shell. I had to find my worth before I let go of the hate. I had to find my power before I healed myself. 

I get it. I get your fears, your insecurities, your self-abusive thoughts. I get YOU. And I'm here to tell you it's time to let all that shit go and get to know yourself once and for all.